I got a call yesterday from a client.
It’s not uncommon that I get these types of calls from them, I think they know that I’ve made nearly every mistake that can be made (in life and business) and have been through a lot throughout my short life. I’m honored they would think of me as someone to turn to when times get tough.
His wife recently dropped the divorce bomb and he was looking for some insight / advice. They have two little daughters, twins a little over one year old. He has a new business just starting to get traction.
His voice was strong but I could tell he was incredibly scared. I know I was when separating from the mother of my kids, and I appreciated his vulnerability and trust.
My situation — present day — couldn’t be better. I’m better friends with my kid’s mom now more than ever. She has happily remarried, giving my girls a step-dad that has treated them like his own from day one. They also have a son who I have treated like my own since day one, and who wouldn’t love a little guy screaming “MIKEY” when you walk in the door. We do game nights, dinner, and daddy-days together and talk with each other about major life plans.
I’m incredibly proud of how far we have come, but it wasn’t always like that. At first, there were NO sunshine and rainbows. There was emotion, resentment, anger, fear, anxiety, self-doubt, hatred, disdain. There was UNCERTAINTY. There was no peace, there was no meaning or purpose. I didn’t know how I was going to get through the day and a lot of time I chose alcohol as the answer. I lost businesses, friendships, stability, and not the least of which — I lost my mind.
It has been an excruciatingly long road but fortunately I came out a better person, and acquired some wisdom along the way. Based on what I learned, I would tell my client (or anyone in a similar situation) the following:
–Realize that life happens FOR you, not TO you. This experience will ultimately make you stronger and wiser, and will eventually be the reason why you’re able to help someone and give them advice later in life.
–Understand that the ONLY thing that matters is the kids. Stay consistent and NEVER speak bad about their mother in their presence. No matter what might be said by the other side, the kids will pickup on the fact that you’re strong and consistent and 100% there for them, and they will gravitate towards that — if not sooner then later. Be honest and transparent with them and give them credit for having the intelligence they possess.
–Keep focus on the long term. This might be the hardest part, but definitely one of the most critical. At the time, I remember being swept with emotion at every aching moment. Remind yourself that this will be for the best and everything will eventually workout. Remind yourself that you will someday be your best self, peaceful, and grateful for all your experiences. Your kids deserve you at your best, even if that means you’re not with their mother (or father).
Do an extreme zoom out, and see yourself on your deathbed. What seems like an earth-shattering obstacle now will amount to a tiny ‘blip’ in the story of your life. Understand and acknowledge your problem, but focus on the long-term vision and work towards it every single day.
